I Ate The Kroger Cheeseburger Pizza So You Don’t Have To

The other day, I wandered past the Home Chef Cheeseburger Pizza at Kroger. I was intrigued but in a hurry. I thought about the pizza a few times after I first saw it. It wasn’t that I couldn’t get it out of my mind, but I did think about it from time to time.

I found myself at Kroger again and remembered the pie, so I stumbled over to the deli to see if they still had it. And had it, they did—one left. Now, we’ve had these styles of pies before. They’re not super great, but they were certainly acceptable facsimiles of pizza pie.

I had high hopes for this pie. Memories of the excellent BBQ Cheeseburger Pizza from Pizza Hut from the 90s came rushing back. The Home Chef Cheeseburger Pizza from Kroger has “beef patty crumbles, pickles, onion, and tomatoes with a cheesy ketchup and mustard sauce on a wood-fired style crust.” Now, there are some red flags I was willing to ignore here. “cheesy ketchup and mustard sauce” should have been the deal breaker, though. But at $5.99, I was willing to take the chance.

I prepared this pizza in accordance with the stated directions. I preheated the oven to 400 degrees and then baked it for 16 minutes in the pre-heated oven. I waited the recommended two minutes before slicing into six slices.

I noticed as my alarm went off to indicate the pizza had cooked the requisite 16 minutes that I didn’t really smell anything. No fresh baked pizza, no burger goodness. Nothing. Weird. As I opened the oven, I smelled the deliciousness of some oatmeal cookies my wife made yesterday and a faint pickle smell. The pizza looked fine for a $5.99 grocery store pie, I supposed.

I was disappointed at first bite. In fact, for a brief moment, I was terrified I might have COVID as I could not really taste anything. I tried a chip, carrot, and Coke Zero, and they all exploded with flavors that I would expect. Phew. Another bite, nothing. I had a few pickles on the next bite, and they had the briny, tangy flavor I’d expected. As I continued eating this pie, my disappointment grew. Occasionally, I’d get a burst of something that tasted like a cheeseburger. The thin “wood-fired” crust was actually fairly crispy and had a bit of that wood-fired flavor.

I added a little BBQ sauce to the slice to try to liven it up, but the disappointing flavors of the pizza were not greatly improved by this addition. I tried each component on its own. The burger crumbles were not bad. It's a little spicy, actually. Greasy and beefy. The onions were bland. The pickles were bright and tangy. The cheese was mild, with just a bit of a cheddar bite to it. The sauce was a mess. My brain kept trying to insert Big Mac sauce into my thoughts. But ultimately, it was more of a slightly spicy ketchup, if anything.

I don’t know exactly what I was expecting from a $6 Cheeseburger pizza from a grocery store. I guess I was hoping it would be a taste explosion. Something I could try a few times a year to get the best of both worlds in a super cheap lunch or dinner. The bottom line is this pizza was bland, uninspired, and not that great.

🍕out of five.