Not Dead Yet Post Surgery Reflections

It’s pretty amazing the range of emotions you feel when you experience a major health setback. Fear, anger, regret, confusion, despair, depression, anxiety. Those are just a few things that washed over me like tsunami waves over the last few days. Emotions come and go as they do. The thing that triggers the emotion occurs then your brain and your body react. Usually it’s something simple a fleeting. A good belly laugh at a funny scene in a movie. A moment of fear when you receive some bad news. Elevated anxiety when you’re running late on an assignment at work. Of course there are more long term feelings of you suffer from chronic depression, have experienced trauma, or are grieving a loss.

But when you receive unexpected health news or experience a traumatic accident the feelings come and go like those crashing waves on the beach.  But rather than being exhilarating or refreshing these waves of emotions crash hard every time. Each one unexpected and different. Hitting you in a way you feel you have no control over. While at the same time you’re being pulled under. The emotions swirling at your feet trying to take you down. You’re overwhelmed and the only thing you can do is try and maintain your balance.

I have to say from the moment Rebecca asked my cardiologist, “So, what does this mean?” And he replied “He had to have open heart surgery.” I somehow began to be balanced. Yes, every single emotion imaginable washed over me and swirled around me. Confusion, fear, desperation were and are among the top things I’ve felt and continue to feel. But among the chaos of emotions, hope. Hope that the science and modern medicine would do their thing. Hope that “God” whatever that actually means would be there guiding what was meant to happen.  As an agnostic that does not and cannot subscribe to any organized religion I don’t dismiss the possibility of a God or something that started it all. I certainly don’t think she’s an olde white dude judging us from the clouds or that he supports nearly anything modern Christians do and say, but I digress. I’ve seen things and felt things in my life that support my beliefs so that’s what I’m sticking to.

Anyway, from the moment the bombshell news dropped I felt a strange calm in that this was now not out of my hands. It was in the hands of science and god, whomever she may be. My surgeon said that this is more art than science. He knew what he needed to do, but didn’t know what he was going to do until he got in there. Surgery went textbook, as “routine” as it could have been. Using a vein harvested from my leg, Dr. Okum bypassed the blockages in my heart and saved my life. I mean the guy literally held my heart in his hands.

During an immediate post op visit from my family, I felt and heard them all stop to see me. The moment that really sticks out is when Rebecca was talking to the nurse holding my hand I began to feel like I was choking. I started trying to trace “choking” on Rebecca’s hand. She figured it out, told the nurse and she cleared out my throat.

I’ll spare you the gory details of recovery. It involved a steady regimen of yanking stuff out of me and sticking stuff into me. It wasn’t pleasant but I was cared for by a host of amazing nurses who I hope I never have to see again.

My wife, my children, my in laws have been incredible. I know this is hard on them too and besides the pain and physical recovery I cannot imagine the  emotions they are and have experienced.

I’m home. I’m recovering. I’m feeling better each day. Last night I even got in bed by myself! Today I am having some muscle pain that is both equally painful and annoying. My last obstacle is getting OUT of bed. As it stands now, I cannot get out of bed on my own and I cannot see a path to get there. It’s frightening and constricting. But I am sure I’ll get there eventually.

I’m feeling a bit of depression and loneliness right now. People reaching out diminishes significantly as you get further from the event. I am also surprised by the people who did and who did not reach out. I’m feeling like I am not as popular as I thought I am. But I have good mental health support in place and as they say-this too shall pass. Reach out to your friends you never know when they may need you.