This Blog’s The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard’s Review

My AMC A-List subscription re-activated today after a pandemic’s long pause. I am still a bit wary of people. And places. And things. And dying of a debilitating virus. But I am vaccinated and the theater in my neighborhood is amazingly still open despite always being empty. I opened up my AMC app, downloaded the update, changed my password and looked at the movies showing today. Fast 9 Saga was playing on 2 theaters and had a handful of seats sold; far more seats than I would have been comfortable sitting with for the 9th movie in a series of which I’ve seen none of the previous entries. Peter Rabbit 2, no….The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard you say? OK.

So for my first time back in an empty theater I chose to see The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard. Now, I knew next to nothing about this film. I’d vaguely seen a trailer or commercial for it. I knew Ryan Reynolds (the hitman?), Salma Hayek (the bodyguard?) and Nick Fury (the wife?) were in it. and I assumed it had something to do with a bodyguard guarding the body of the wife of a hitman. That’s about all you need to know.

This movie is loud. There’s a lot of gun shots, it’s very loud. Salma Hayek is still hot as a firecracker, though I shouldn’t say still, because here character gets very angry and the insinuation that she is old (she’s not). Ryan Reynolds spends almost the entirety of the film covered in brains and blood. And is also still as hot as a firecracker. A firecracker covers in brains and blood I suppose. Oh yeah Samuel Jackson is in this. And he plays Samuel L Jackson. You know what you’re getting here.

Look this movie seems like a bunch of folks were sitting around getting high at Reynold’s place and decided to shoot a nonsense movie. It doesn’t make a lick of sense and despite it being set in the real world, there are some comically outrageous things that happen to these characters physically. Salma Hayek is actually pretty great delivering every line with an effortless whiplash speed and confidence that ensure all her jokes land. Unfortunately every joke is just an endless stream of profanity, again its like these folks got together and said “let’s make a movie where we get to shoot a lot, cuss a lot, and have fun over the course of a weekend without putting a lot of effort in. Does anyone have Morgan Freeman’s number?”

I am not entirely sure of the plot here, something about Antonio Banderas (oh yeah he’s totally in it) wanting to destroy Europe, there’s a confusing infertility sub-plot as well. And (spoiler alert) Morgan Freeman is Reynold’s dad until Hayek and Jackson adopt him.

Anyway, my A-List subscription renewed and I’m back at the movies.